Chapter 34 To be or not to be

Today evening, salsa class was due. But there was no need to go. Mathias had become extra busy in his work. He had texted her. She felt relieved. The spring in her step was back.

The few weeks offered her respite.  She immersed herself in work. ‘That works well when you are trying to move out of flings,’ Laily reasoned with her from her experience. Mathias was too busy filling up for his boss. And one fine day he calls her prepared with ammunition. 

‘You are ignoring me,’ he said to her accusingly.

 ‘What do you mean? It’s you who had been busy throughout, cancelling salsa classes and now you are blaming me,’ she countered. She wanted to take charge of the situation, before it went out of hand.

 ‘You are behaving differently, and that’s scaring me,’ he said expressing her fears.  ‘Woman, you are making me mad, I am not able to focus,’ he said and she could feel how much it pained him saying this.

 It raised a lump in her throat. She fought her unshed tears. She didn’t want to show her diffidence. ‘One display and it would entangle the mess more,’ her mind warned her. But her heart went against the logic.

 ‘What time are you leaving for work today?’ she asked him, much to her shock. ‘I will leave sometime around 3 pm,’ he told her, his voice sounding hopeful. ‘Are you coming?’ he gave words to his emotions.

 ‘I will try to,’ she said honestly. ‘Do come over, it has been a long time,’ he said. ‘What about your flat mates?’ Now was her turn to ask. ‘At 3 pm, who will be at home,’ he told her.

 ‘I know,’ she agreed.

Now, came two difficult questions: escaping from the office was more difficult than LSR hostel, she thought with a smile.

‘Should I confide to Laily?’ No way, she thought. She is going to lecture me at my foolishness. ‘ I had just extricated myself out of this and now I am going to get stuck again,’ she thought.

‘What if Mathias wanted to become intimate with me, once again? Not that I mind it, is it possible to love two men at the same time?’ ‘There is a name for it, it’s called polyandry,’ her reasoning mind took over. She gave in. This is the drawback in me. I give in so fast, she chided herself.

 ‘How is the mood of Jain? ’she asked Laily on the phone. ‘Today he is in doggy days,’ she said and quickly disconnected.  ‘There was no point in going to him and listening his monologue, while I stared blankly outside the window pane, counting the number of cars that sped away on the road,’ she thought. At times, he would ask her, ‘Are you there?’ She would nod her head in affirmation and he would shut up. Both of them knew that she wasn’t hearing.

Sharp at 2, she left Epicure Exports. Today she had driven to work. Hence, she left the car keys at office, so that Laily would drive back her car and pick her car from her home. She had hired a cab.

‘Once settled inside,’ she messaged Jain. It worked well. She had to leave and all she needed to do was inform. ‘I had a meeting scheduled with Halve on Epicureans and am leaving, she wrote. An OKAY screamed on her mobile. Like Jain, the OKAY too was grumpy. But she didn’t care.

She rolled down the windows of the car to feel the nip in the air of the November weather. The sun shine was just perfect. Somehow the sadness seemed to evaporate. Her heart began to race, as she approached his apartment. With a taxi, there was no need to be afraid, and she got down at the parking. He was waiting there for her.

His forlorn eyes conveyed a lot to her. He looked dejected. Gently he held her hand as she got out.

 ‘I knew you would come,’ he spoke softly for her ears. At the entry, the guard requested her to fill in her name. Mathias smiled, as she held the pen. He knew that she wouldn’t write her real name. Ashmi scribbled her name and Mathias looked at her surprised. She didn’t take the elevator, normally that’s what she did, as if to hide inside its cage, so that nobody would see her. Today she wouldn’t, she wasn’t committing a crime. Together they walked to her second floor.

They sat facing each other on the bed. ‘Ashmi,’ Mathias spoke.

 ‘Yes, tell, I am hearing,’ she urged. ‘I am leaving,’ he spoke.

 ‘Where?’ she asked. ‘I am going back to Goa,’ he said.

 ‘You getting married, there,’ she managed to speak.

 ‘No, I am going back to dad. We have our own business there. We are not affluent, but we are comfortable. A fortnight ago my mom called me, just when my manager absconded.’

‘Correction,’ he resigned. Ashmi interjected.

The way he did, it’s called absconding, Mathias corrected.

Then, what did your mom say?, she asked.

 ‘Dad had been diagnosed with colon cancer. It’s in third stage. There is hope if you do radio therapy and all, but dad has refused for all this.’

 ‘You people are allowing an ill man to decide his course of treatment,’ she spoke with concern. ‘Decide for him, get him here, there are best cancer hospitals in the city,’ he will get well, she held his hands and used her soothing voice to comfort him, usually reserved for kids.

‘Don’t you think, I have argued? He is not ready to relent. All he says is just one thing, you come back Albert, I want you back,’ he said.

‘When are you leaving?’ ‘Tomorrow,’ she felt hurt. ‘You put in papers,’ she asked.

‘I did that day before yesterday,’ he said.

‘So you too absconding,’ she commented.

‘Sort of!’ he laughed. ‘Come I have got something for you, for the good times spent together. What is that? It is a ring,’ he said.  ‘I can’t take it,’ she said. ‘You have too,’ he insisted. ‘You spoil me,’ she said. Now I got to think excuse for this one. Last time I told Akhil that I won it from Fashion and You in one of their contests. This time, you tell him that you won it at a contest at Tanishq, said Mathias. Wouldn’t he smell a fish, he asked genuinely intrigued.

‘That you leave to me,’  You are a cunning woman, his eyes twinkled as he spoke.  Anything for you my love, she spoke. I love you and I have to admit that. He looked at her intently. 

‘I have also cooked for you,’ he said.

‘I am impressed. What?’ she enquired.

‘I cooked pasta for you. And what’s for dessert?’ she asked. What about you? he winked at her

‘What time is your flight tomorrow?’ she asked immediately to divert the subject.

 ‘Poor baby! You are always scared of me!’ he teased.

 ‘Yes, you are so intense,’ she said worriedly.

‘That’s how I am,’ he accepted. I can’t do anything half heartedly.

‘Ashmi, you live well, stay happy because that will make me happy,’ he said philosophically.

‘We met each other, because we had to, somewhere in previous lives, our paths had crossed and that’s what made us meet,’ he ruminated. She nodded her head. She seemed to agree.

All of a sudden she hugged him fiercely, with all her might. It’s so hard to let you go. ‘I cherish you as a friend, you talked to me, like no one ever did.’ Tears flowed and she made no effort to hide it. ‘Mathias, I can’t live in this city now. It will remind me of you all the time. But I guess I have to.’

‘Have pasta, or you will rush to leave,’ he reminded her. They had dinner in silence. Mathias dutifully lit lavender candles for her. Your favourite, isn’t it?

‘I will give you my new number, and we will stay in touch, where we met,’ he said in an effort to pep her up.

‘I must leave now,’ she said looking at her watch. You are wearing my time, he noticed. Yes, I had to, she smiled.

 It was going to be six. He came down to drop her. As she got inside the car, he stole a quick peck and she smiled.

She broke down in the car. The poor driver wondered what happened as he drove for the next 15 minutes. Just at the gate of Nirvana, she reapplied her makeup and got inside the home.

Kids were not there. There was a birthday party in the neighbourhood and they had gone to attend it. Solitude was what she needed the most. Just then Akhil parked his Fortuner. She pulled herself up.

‘Hi baby!’ his voice was buoyant. He seemed on top of the world. ‘You look so happy. What happened?’ she asked. ‘I got promoted. That’s excellent. You were in the fray, you never told me,’ she complained. ‘I thought I would surprise you,’ he said.  ‘How many surprises the day has in store for me?’ she thought, but didn’t say a word. 

‘Start packing your bags.’

‘Not again, I will not go to U.S,’ she said.

‘Who told you, we are going there?’

‘Because that’s the only country where you love to grow your roots, and I can’t survive there. I am too spoiled now Akhil, I can’t do everything, all by myself,’ she pleaded.

‘I know that baby. We are going to Kinshasha.’

‘And where is it? It is in Africa?’

‘Why?’ she whined.

‘Don’t do that, you will get help there,’ he negotiated with her. Then it’s fine with me.